Separate yourself emotionally from your ideas to improve decision-making

Does the following scenario sound familiar?  In a team meeting you put forward an idea that you like, and you think has some merit.  The idea gets kicked around a little bit, gently at first as it is explored in more detail.  Out of nowhere a colleague spots a weakness and directly criticizes the proposal.  You defend the idea and find yourself becoming more entrenched in your thinking.  Once one weakness is spotted, some of your colleagues appear to go looking for further weaknesses or double-down on the initial weakness.  Somewhere along the line your perspective begins to shift, and the criticisms of your idea feel like personal criticisms.  The quality of the discussion drops.   Reaching an agreement becomes difficult and the meeting ends without a decision being made or with a decision being imposed. 

I suspect that anyone who has spoken up in a meeting at work or an interest group outside of work will have felt something like this.  The act of putting forward an idea often leaves us feeling vulnerable and any criticism of that idea feels like a direct criticism of our intelligence and our value.  This is exacerbated by hierarchy and the inevitable politics that exists within organizations.  We often lose sight of the fact that it is very rare for a perfect solution exist and most ideas are compromises. 

I found an effective solution to this in some negotiation training many years ago.  During a negotiation it is sometimes useful to put forward new ideas that help explore positions and potential common ground.  When doing this, the idea you put forward needs to be presented in a way that is acceptable to the other side and doesn’t infer a commitment.  You can’t control how the other party will react to your suggestions, but you can control how you introduce new ideas.  Detaching yourself from the ideas and avoiding starting the recommendation with “I think” or “I believe” is helpful for a few reasons.  Firstly, you are avoiding making it a recommendation or putting any of your own authority behind it.  Secondly, you are giving permission to the other party to criticize the idea as much as they want.  Thirdly, if criticized, the idea does not need to be discarded as you can take the criticism and build on the idea to see if you can shape it to a point where the flaws are dealt with.  Each idea can be introduced with statements such as: “what if we did this” or “have we considered this”.

This technique is powerful and by employing this approach in meetings, I noticed that I was more comfortable offering ideas and more successful at group brainstorming.  There is a feeling of security that comes from not attaching yourself to a solution.  This is helpful when you are brainstorming and haven’t had the chance to fully think through an idea but realize the benefit of contributing it early and using the team to think it through in more detail.  You may not even particularly like the idea yourself, but by throwing it out into the wild the quality of the discussion is improved.  By giving the idea some criticism yourself you help to divorce your own sense of self from the idea.  As mentioned above, most ideas are compromises and the perfect solution rarely exists.  By pointing out the flaws in your argument you are also building up trust with your colleagues. 

Let’s flip to the other side.  I find the most effective discussions are robust and rigorous.  However, if someone’s feelings are at risk of being hurt it is important that you are mindful of this to get full engagement from everyone in the team.  A meeting is usually more effective if all possible solutions are explored rather than a few ideas are explored thoroughly, so it’s important that everyone feels able to contribute. When I give any constructive feedback, I spend time ensuring that I communicate it in a way that is understood by the recipient.  The same is true of criticizing an idea that someone has introduced as their own.  Rather than directly criticizing, it can often be effective to phrase your comments as questions back to the originator of the idea.  This gives the team member a chance to disassociate themselves from the idea and start pointing out where it is compromise.  Perhaps you take the approach of complimenting the team member for their contribution and asking them if they would be willing for the team to challenge some of the flaws but use it as a base to build some alternative proposals.  Building up trust within a team so that ideas can be discussed freely without hurting feelings takes time.  Most teams are likely to include a mix of introverts and extroverts and ensuring that everyone’s voice and perspective can be heard is a path towards success.

The other point to make as the recipient of an idea is to listen carefully to it and fully understand what is being said before jumping to criticize.  I often like to summarize and repeat the idea back to ensure that I have understood it properly.  I will ask questions to fill in any gaps and try hard to link the idea back to the original problem by focusing on the bits that are solved.  By taking these extra steps first you are giving your team member the respect that their contribution deserves.  Some ideas may feel like they are driven by the wrong motivations, but regardless of motivation, solutions should be judged on their ability to solve a problem. 

To pull this all together.  A team that is working effectively will be able to discuss, share and explore various ideas and solutions with trust in each other and confidence in themselves.  By not attaching ourselves to ideas, we avoid criticism feeling like personal criticism.  Be sensitive to others’ feeling and help team members to separate themselves from their ideas.  Avoid making assumptions about motives and focus attention on the solutions.  Setting some ground rules in team meetings or leading by example can ensure that everyone feels heard and the quality of the discussion can be optimized.

Next week I want to discuss networking.  Despite being a natural extrovert and enjoying other people’s company, I do not consider myself particularly good at networking.  In fact, the few times I have found myself in a room full of people that I don’t know are amongst the most uncomfortable experiences of my professional life.  But I have observed others who are better at networking and once you know yourself and your preferences, it is possible to control the situation and shape it into something you do feel more comfortable with.

On a separate note, the most feedback I have received on any of my posts to date was my claim to be able to hold a four-minute plank in my post on confidence.  Not surprisingly this feedback can all be classed in the category of “I don’t believe you”.  To all the doubters out there: there were witnesses and I stand by my claim.  Also, I want to say a heartfelt thank you for subscribing, reading and engaging with this blog.